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I remember the first time I went to a buffet, I think I was 9 or so, my mum dropped some wise nuggets that would forever stick with me. She said ‘Eat the food we don’t eat at home and you have no business touching any Nigerian food‘, these words will forever stick with me and I’ll pass them on to my kids and they too shall pass it on to their kids.

After going to heaven and maybe good s3x, the third best thing you can experience in this life is going to an all you can eat intercontinental buffet. Most times when I go to a buffet I see people eating between 1-3 plates and I shake my head in disbelief. How would you pay a large fortune to eat in a buffet and just chug down two plates. If you’re the type who’s down to get the value of their money and you want to eat what you’re paying for, follow my simple tips below and ‘you go dey alright’.

1. PACE YOURSELF: You’re probably going to be overwhelmed when you see a room full of food, you’re going to be confused as to what dish you should devour first and I can bet your first two plates will be mountains. Don’t do that, take little by little, the worst thing that can happen is when you get filled up after the first few plates. That’s money flushed down the drain.

2. RUN AWAY FROM NIGERIAN DISHES: Why would you go to an intercontinental buffet and touch Nigerian dishes. Arent you tired of Jollof rice and dodo? Most people tend to go for Nigerian dish because it’s familiar and they believe eating dishes from other countries would make them purge, don’t think like a typical Nigerian. Also, Nigerian dishes are heavy AF, after eating eba and a full plate of vegetable soup do you think you’re going to have space to eat anything else. The only Nigerian dish you’re allowed to touch is peppered snail.

3. DON’T STARVE YOURSELF BEFORE THE BUFFET: Another rookie mistake most people make. Most people usually go to buffets for lunch so they skip breakfast. That’s a bad move, when you’re hungry you tend to get filled up faster. Eat something very light in the morning like oats or fruits, that way you won’t get filled up at the first few bites you take.

4. DON’T GO ALONE: I think it’s very depressing going to a restaurant (or the movies) alone. It’s even worse if you go to a buffet alone with the goal of eating as much as possible. You’d look like a glutton, going with friends or family is fun, and they’d also ginger you.

5. WATER IS YOUR ENEMY: Fela said ‘Water no get enemy’, in this case water or any soft drink is your enemy. The only drink you’re allowed to take while eating at a buffet is wine or light alcohol. No beer, no soda, no water. Take them after you’re done eating, why, because they will fill you up and we don’t want that to happen do we.

6. NO AFRICAN TIME: If a buffet lunch starts at 12 pm, be there latest 12:30. If a buffet dinner starts at 6pm, why the hell would you do African time and go around 8pm. Do you want all the good dishes to finish? The first thing that would finish would be the dessert and peppered snails, if you go to a buffet late then you’re playing yourself, maybe except people didn’t turn up much then you’re good to go.

Free tip: If you’re thinking of good buffets to go to I’d recommend eko hotel buffet and Sheraton buffet (in Lagos and Abuja). The only thing that makes eko hotel buffet better than Sheraton is that their drinks come free with the meals, and it’s unlimited. Meaning you can take 8 glasses of Champaign and 3 glasses of chapman(trust me on this, I always do this), while in Sheraton you have to pay for your drinks. If you’re in Sheraton and you don’t want to pay for drinks, just simply ask for iced tap water in a jug, it’s free. You’re welcome.

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