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Eavesdrop on any pre-date pep talk, and you’ll probably hear the typical woman-to-woman dating advice: Play it cool, do your hair like this—and whatever you do, don’t wear that. But while those traditional tips aren’t necessarily wrong, there are other, way more important traits that research shows men find attractive—and they have nothing to do with your physical appearance.

The problem: Traditional dating advice has been leading us on a wild goose chase, one that leads away from the possibility of real, healthy love, says Ken Page, the author of Deeper Dating. Relationships are built on authenticity and connection, he explains. And if you’re constantly on edge, playing hard to get, and worrying about your appearance, you’re not going to be taking advantage of the science-backed traits that really attract love and intimacy. And the best news? You probably already have them. (And while you’re at it, learn the 8 Things Men Wish Women Knew About Sex.)

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